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update   
04:05pm 14/08/2004
  its been forever and a couple of days since my last entry and that is entirely too long. my world has been turn upside down, my insides have been pulled out, turned into calamari and then completely remade.
I had a realization a while back. I am bisexual. Ive always had trouble in my relationships with woman and finally it occured to me, we dont in fact fit together like puzzle peices. I can understand men better.
Of course i made the dumb mistake of hooking up with my only guy friend, so now he wont speak to me, and that about ended my bisexuality.
I should just love myself, but i have so many faults and problems that even i dont want to be with me.

i need to go let out my tears and release the pressure that keeps pounding inside me		  
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inhale, exhale...   
06:07pm 18/07/2004
  Every day I am alive the burning blackness in my heart deepens. With every breath I take I breathe in more pain, and the only way it can escape is in my blood. I'm tired of being helpless and alone. I'm tired of having no one who can understand my life, no one who can hear my cries, no one who can fix my pain. Even Ava cannot truly see through the darkness that surrounds my soul, it is impenetrable, even to me. How am I supposed to be happy when I cannot even see my own soul? My own pain my own greatest mystery, I move through this world blinded, unable to see, unable to do anything but float across the surface of this world distracting myself from the ever-present pain of this life. There is no escape but in the glimmering piece of metal which waits for me every night. Maybe if I let enough of my blood go my soul will go with it, and be free of this body and this world. But for now all I can do is sink into my lonely bed and wait for a drug induced sleep to take me away from the blood and tears which stain my pillow.  
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what you dont know   
12:55am 16/07/2004
  I haven’t written about Ava yet. Ava isn’t her real name, Im going to keep the confidential. She is the one good thing in my life, she was my first. She is in love with me and I her.
Thinking of her puts me in such an enlightened state.
She used to spend a lot of time with me because we could have serious talks. One night she gave me a call saying, "Evan...lets play" I knew her code well. As usual, I assumed she wanted to light some candles, perform a quit séance and then retire and watch an old black and white movie, pondering the perfect life of people like Cary Grant.
When she got to the house, she didn’t bother to ring the doorbell, she walked in took hold of my hand and led to me to the basement. Her attire was darker than usual, the long vinyl trench coat forced me to contemplate what she was thinking, who would she attempt to contact dressed like that.
Once we entered the basement the door slammed behind us and she was immediately straddling me and after lifting one eyebrow, she leaned over and whispered into my ear, “I cant wait…I want you now.”
By the time Ava had unbuttoned my shirt I was “up” for action. As she unzipped my pants, she unzipped my soul.
Ava continued undressing my self-conscious corps and then she threw off her trench coat giving way to pale skin, like dull moonlight and a red tattoo of a raven on her left breast. As my eyes caressed her body, following it down, down, down, her tongue came up my pre-pubescent chest which soon became a kingdom covered in Ava's scent.
The sex was chilling; each thrust as I headed towards the apex sent a shiver up my spine.
After we had finished my eyes crawled around the room, admiring the evidence of our affair. My sock which lay in pieces by the bed because Ava and bitten it off my of foot taking a chunk of skin with her; the rug which was once considered an antique that now sat bunched up in a corner with blood and chocolate stains…if anyone ever knew…id probably be disowned by my family, and murdered by the emperor of Japan.

Looking back, all I recall thinking was, “this’ll get me into college”		  
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My Utopia   
08:13pm 14/07/2004
 
mood: depressed
I'm lying on the bathroom floor. I hear the phone ring from a distance. I try to free my body from this frozen disillusion and realize getting up is harder when you want to die. I ask myself 'what do I have?'
I look down at my legs and see my pile of dust. I cry and cry looking at what I have come to own. Does this numb body still feel? I'll rip open my flesh and feel nothing. Is this body emotionally unresponsive? Am I deprived of the power to feel?
It's to the point of no return, feeding into the mouth of my emptiness. Can I be resurrected? I was alive raging with the essence of a zestful life. And now I'm nothing but an inanimate hollow soul floating like a zephyr whispering though the clouds. I'll find my ground and watch people as they live a simple life that is filled with love and joy. I'll watch envious of their existence and seep deeper and deeper into the ground. I'll hit the sixth foot and lay to rest. I'll face the devil himself and wear his thorny crown of blood holding his hand within mine. And here I will live for eternity.

love,
evan		  
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alone, a poem   
03:22pm 14/07/2004
  Crimson pools lay at my fingertips
Waiting to be filled with lonely tears
There's no one to listen to my screams
Forsaken by the world which brought my pain
Alone to wait for death in this shadow life
The cruel laughter fades into darkness
The melodic pain of life sings me to sleep
A sleep that will not end, maybe in sleep
I can dream of a life where I am more than nothing
For here, in this world, I am alone
There is no one willing to love
So, alone, I wait for death to come
Alone I wait for freedom		  
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Flip the coin   
05:56pm 12/07/2004
  As I position myself on the floor I began to weigh the pros and cons to thrashing a piece of glass across my stomach. The astonishing sight of blood trickling down my body as I cut deeper and deeper into the roots of my dismal existence told me I needed to escape. As I reflect upon my choices, I realize how important it is for me to extinguish my pain. I had to satisfy my hunger. I crawl to my backpack and take out a ravishing translucent piece of sharp pleasure. I drag myself against the door and begin easing the pain. Each slice meant more freedom. To indulge in such a beautiful sensation meant my body had to abandon all restraints and eventually I fell into a deep bliss. I quickly grabbed a tiny glass vial and filled it to the brim with liquid pain. Every so often I bottle my blood to keep as a trophy. I display each bottle in my closet where I keep other important self-indulgent instruments. I finish with a clean cut and wipe away the blood with a dirty rag. Maybe I'll get an infection and die. Maybe not. I close the vial and stand up, staggering to the closet door, I trip over a shoe, beautiful. I clean off the glass and place it neatly in my box of toys. I pop a few pills and sleep it off. I did it. I am free.  
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Tales of my razor blade   
10:35am 12/07/2004
  If you were anything in the world, you'd be a razor blade. You know why? Because there's nothing I like more than dragging you across my skin. I've lead this twisted romance with you for months, an affair I never want to let go of because of the things you make me feel. The adrenaline, the pain, the spilling, the release, the scars and memories I secretly covet and love so dearly. How long can I go before you use me up? Someday, my love, we'll go too far, push too hard and I'll be gone. My veins will let their inhibitions slide and let go of all the bullshit of the world and take me away with rivers of crimson blood. This is my fantasy. This is my dream. Where are you when I need you to incarnadine my existance? Come eat me whole before my spirits get too far gone. I'm already feeling the sense of urgency is waning. I need it before it's too late to die willingly. Blade darling, save me from the sun.
 
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i want the sun to stop rising!   
04:38pm 11/07/2004
 
mood: crushed
Obviously everyone's life is full of obstacles. i respect that, but i must take time out of everyday to ask, "God/Allah/Yaweh/whoever the hell you are, why me?"
I woke up today and stared at my pale green ceiling with the faded glow-in-the-dark stars of my expired youth. I cant remember feeling anything when i was young, i dont know if that means i was just a dumb, uncorrupted thing, or over the years ive really screwed myself over. At this point the only way to go is straight ahead at a steady decline, or off the edge of the world. Both have consequences. I guess if i had higher self esteem and control over my life id just be able to get this all over with.
So anyways, lying in bed, looking up, i start wondering things. It was 5:00, the sun was rising and birds were chirping. Why are they so happy? Even they are being persecuted!!! Coming to this realization got me out of bed. I dont feel comfortable anywhere. One would assume a bed would be a place of security, but nightmares that have ensnared my mind stab me as i lay supine under the wore sheets. Everything about everything has its downsides...even the sheets of my bed have seen more that id like to. From restless nights to erotic affairs and then the occasional fits of rage and malcontent.
The rest of the day sucked. Occurrences with my girlfriend just made me feel worse, and as usually, running into her fling before me was fun....NOT! shes probably cheating on me, its to be expected. Id cheat on me.
Fuck, i should take my meds

~*^-Evan-^*~		  
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  mydarklife2